Falling Angels

Angels fall out of the sky all the time. One was a Russian bride named Lena Ova. Guess she leaned too far. Just because her wings were fake doesn’t mean she wasn’t a real angel. Oh, you think it’s funny? If you want God to laugh, then tell Him of your plans. You ask why would God make fun of us? What else has He got to do? He built derision into the design of the universe. Otherwise He’d get bored. However perfect, it has to be boring just loving yourself. Even fourteen-year-old boys give that handy-craft up rather quickly. So, make sure rednecks can’t wash the blood off their pickups. Make sure Mexicans park their cars on the lawn. And don’t let Orientals know how to drive. Whatever you do if you’re God, give Africans racist glasses since 'race' doesn’t even exist in human biology. These things keep the universe laughing. Splat! There goes another angel falling from the sky.

Actually, what you do with the shotgun I give you for your Christmas is none of my business.  But it’s funny to give you a killing machine on God’s birthday. Humor is insecurity at the atomic level. Maybe the universe is designed as an insecure comedian. That’s redundant. But it makes sense, right? Einstein didn’t wear socks because Wittgenstein believed in ‘atomic facts’. Then he left Cambridge to teach Swiss kindergarten, but got fired for beating the children. No human can make jokes like that, right?

For thousands of years, sailors on tempestuous seas have consulted stars to find where they are. While below them everything moved, their boat, their sea, and their blue marble spacecraft. Only today do we realize the universe has been laughing at us all along. Stars are not fixed. The universe expands and contacts. Constantly. It’s a very young universe you know. Right?  Humans still look out to the stars for certainty. Fools. Absolute certainty lies within, not without. Our only certainty is that each day brings us closer to our uncertain destiny. Therein lies the joke. We’re not very important beings in the universe. Who told you that you will be remembered?

Each of us is the butt of a private, divine joke no one else gets until it’s too late. Those large windows on buses were put there to humiliate “people of color” who’re reduced to riding buses. Colorless people don’t ride buses. Hysterical!

 But what about humanity? Will the universe weep if humans go catawampus, defunct, Caputski?  Will Adam and Eve be losers? Probably not. There’s no data on a universe weeping. That’s because a universe is not the kind of thing that weeps. But it is the kind of thing that laughs as any school child on the planet Pluto can attest. What could be funnier than piss-ants making plans to change the world? Not even seven feet above the surface of the planet, they plan to control its climate and ‘tip history’. Laughable!  With a lifespan far less than a century, they plan to live forever free of disease, poverty, violence and war. With emotions guiding their every act, they plan for universal enlightenment through free education professed by bondage catamites. The gods go-a-laughing.

When you think about it, it’s hard for the universe not to laugh at man.  He works himself sick trying to pile up wealth. Then, when he finally has it, he spends it to restore his health. He seeks happiness in flesh, filthy lucre and Rap music. Worse, he even sucks at golf. All this provided by God so he could laugh at human absurdity. Clowns, condemned to be free as inexorable choosers. Lusting flesh only leads to decrepitude. The best face-lift only gives you a sagging soul. Man seeks long life but has no idea how to live. Women seek face-lifts and skinny non-childbearing thighs so they can abort their children. What can be funnier than being so rich you have to hire people who steal from you? And they only get arrested after you’re dead. 

Human existence is a comedy store where everyone gets a few Nanos on stage, then laughed off to their grave to the sound of faint applause and rotten tomatoes. Eight billion comedians being laughed off their stage one at a time. Hilarious!  Only a divine mind to make this up.

Take a walk in any grave yard and listen to the grave stones applauding and munching on pop-corn. Cadavers with the biggest mausoleums are the biggest butts of the cosmic joke. Nobility is worm food. Below the stones everyone rots equally. It makes sense to put heavy stones on the dead. Make sure they don’t get out. They’ve suffered enough humiliation at the hands of the Divine Comedy. Rest in peace.

But cosmic guffaws don’t stop at the grave. Heaven and Hell are places of special hilarity. Muslims, especially the young angry males, have 72 virgins awaiting them. That’s right, 72. Not 71 or 73. Exactly 72. Hilarious! Judging by the look of these jihadists those 72 virgins have very low standards. The image of ugly, bloodied, smelly young Islamic terrorists ravishing 72 virgins as a reward for bayoneting infants is too rich for the blood. You simply can’t stop laughing at the mere thought of it.

Not that Christians are any less comic in their heavenly or hellish expectations. Pearly Gates? Gazing at a Beatific Vision eternally? Harping on a cloud in a non-material sky? What if your halo doesn’t fit? Will customer service give you another one? Body and Soul reunited after the last trumpet sounds? Bodies in a non-bodily place? How does that work? Then there’s Purgatory. What ever happened to purgatory?

 “The Universe is thus a kind of scaffolding up through which man climbs to the kingdom of Heaven; it is also a kind of Sacrament – a material thing used as a channel of spiritual sanctification. Trees have no other speech than the whispering of their leaves. Their mute gaspings need a mind and a voice to lift them out of their materiality and give them utterance before the throne of God.” ----- Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

As compensation, God creates Angels with fake wings so we won’t recognize them when they fall form the sky. They kicked us out of Paradise. We met them when we came down from the trees. We see them when we shed our pride walking arm in arm with Sisyphus chasing his stone. They release our chains in Plato’s Cave. Sometimes they stand in our path to Hell. What separates Heaven from Hell? “Only one bad day”, says the Joker to Batman. Funny, people wind up in Hell because they could not laugh at themselves or at least find an angel to laugh at them. Humor is a serious business. And that’s why angels fall form the sky often.

If you’re expecting a return to seriousness from this comedic narrative, forget about it. There is none. And, that’s how the joke’s on you.  Have a divine giggle. Watch out for those falling angels. Someday, you’ll be one of them.

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   REASON ARGUE REFUTE Critical Thinking About Anything 

   by Mark McIntire 

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