New Vatican Phone Tree Explains Everything

Tried to call my old seminary buddy at the Vatican today. He works there as a Cardinal Prefect at one of the Sacred Congregations. His name is far too prominent to even mention here. Usually, I get through right away. To my dismay, I was greeted by a ‘new phone tree' that might explain to both Catholics and non-Catholics alike what’s really going in at the Vatican these days since the publication of my previous blog; POPE ZIG-ZAG. Here’s a transcription of the ‘new’ selections and options just in case you’re seeking  an annulment to your marriage, or need an exorcist after business hours. After you’re connected to the main number you’re asked to select your language from over 143 possible choices. I chose Russian since I wanted to have my data instantly communicated to Moscow without translation. Here’s the English version for your convenience;

“Welcome to the new Vatican City State phone tree. God, bless you. All of our angles are busy at the moment saving other souls. Your call is very important to us, so please listen carefully to the following selections as our options have changed due to deep divisions in the Curiae over matters of Faith and Dogma.”

vFor God, the Father, press 1

vFor God. the Son, press 2

vFor God, the Holy Spirit, press 3 (you will be connected to all three persons simultaneously)

vFor infallible answers from the Pope to your questions on Dogma, press 4

vFor exorcisms during regular business hours press 5

vFor exorcisms after hours, or on weekends press 666

vTo listen to the revised list of the Sacraments press 7

vTo find a friend or relative in Hell, press 8

vTo find a friend or relative in Purgatory, press 9

vTo hear the revised list of the 5 Commandments, press 10 

vTo hear why 5 Commandments have been dropped because they offended people, press 11

vIf you’re a married priest, press 666

vIf you’re a homosexual priest, stay on the line for re-assignment to another parish, or press 666

vIf you’re a feminist nun, then press 8…again

vIf you’re a Muslim seeking conversion to the true faith, then press 72

vTo speak with an apostle, press 12

vIf you’re a divorced Catholic without a Papal annulment, and want to receive the blessed Sacraments anyway, then just hang up and consult your local liberal priest or bishop.

vTo find a dead baby in Limbo, just hang up and forget about it. We did away with Limbo recently so the baby was never there in the first place.

vIf you’re still not eating meat on Friday, press 13

vFor delicious Friday meat recipes, press 14

vTo make a complaint about a pedophile cleric, just hang up and call the police.

vTo find out if your dog went to heaven, press K-9

vTo find out if your cat went to heaven, don’t be ridiculous. There’re aren’t enough angels in heaven to be servants for cats.

vTo be connected to your favorite Saint, just say their name

vTo find out if your favorite Saint has been discontinued, press 15

vTo play “Finda-da-Pope-In-Da-Pizza, go online

vFor customer service on defective relics, press 16

vFor refunds of indulgences purchased before 1560, press 18

vTo check the expiration date on your purchased indulgences, press 19

vTo purchase an indulgence, press 20 (sales representatives are standing by)

vTo report a miracle, press 69 for Little Dickie Richard Dawkins

vTo find out if you have committed a sin (outside Scandinavia, press 69 again for Little Dickie Dawkins

vTo find out if you have committed a sin in Scandinavia, get real, there are no sins in Scandinavia

vTo locate a priest who will forgive any abortion, write to a Scandinavian Cardinal

vTo find the highway to heaven, try Google Maps

vTo avoid the road to Hell, ask Siri

vTo find out if there is any salvation outside the Catholic Church, press 8 ½ (Fellini fans will understand)

vTo hear the difference between Doctrine and Dogma, press 1

vTo speak to a lost and found faith representative, press 0

vTo hear these options again, ask the Russians

vFor all other inquiries, wait till there’s a new Pope

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