Cow Farts Climate Change
WIND BREAKING NEWS!
Finally, President Barack Obama and UN Secretary-General Ban Kee Moon have admitted they got the cause of global climate change wrong. Good for them.
In a joint Rose Garden press conference today, President Barack Obama and United Nations Secretary General Ban Kee Moon announced that 99.999 % of the world’s climate scientists now agree that global warming climate change is actually caused by bovine flatulence rather than human fossil fuel consumption. In prepared remarks given to reporters the President asserted;
“Debate is over. It’s time to act decisively. I’m not a flatulentologist, but when 99.999 % of them, all over the globe, tell me that this is true beyond doubt, then I must accept it. Moreover, methane emissions from cow flatulence, exhaling and belching is reaching catastrophic proportions and is the single most contributing factor to global warming. Therefore, I am asking Congress for 3 Trillion dollars to establish a new federal bureaucracy to deal with this crisis. Today, I have created the Flatulence Protection Agency as a new Cabinet-level secretariat with armed regulatory powers, including police powers, to reduce bovine flatulence by 30 % by the year 2020. The money will be used to hire and train 700,000 new Flatulence Control Officers. Make no mistake Bovine flatulence deniers exist. In their ignorance and stupidity, they claim that breathing in these noxious gasses actually has health benefits. They are mostly white, conservative, Republican males over 50 who believe in God and live in the South. Most live in Texas. We will not let their flat-earth-mentality stand in the way of our progressive suppression of methane gasses from bovine flatulence for the good of Mother Earth. ”
Climate activists around the world instantly cheered the White House announcement's "war-on-methane"
“President Obama’s plan to reduce climate-disrupting methane pollution is an important step in reigning in an out of control industry exempt from too many public health protections,” Deborah Hardon, campaign director of the Sierra Club. Her remarks follow earlier stories from the UK as reported in THE DAILY TELEGRAPH with the headline screaming:
Cow farts collected in plastic tank for global warming study
Scientists are examining cow farts and burps in a novel bid to combat global warming.
By Rupert Neate
Experts said the slow digestive system of cows makes them a key producer of methane, a potent greenhouse gas that gets far less public attention than carbon dioxide.
In a bid to understand the impact of the wind produced by cows on global warming, scientists collected gas from their stomachs in plastic tanks attached to their backs.
The Argentine researchers discovered methane from cows accounts for more than 30 per cent of the country's total greenhouse emissions.
As one of the world's biggest beef producers, Argentina has more than 55 million cows grazing in its famed Pampas grasslands.
Guillermo Berra, a researcher at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology, said every cow produces between 8000 to 1,000 liters of emissions every day.
Methane, which is also released from landfills, coal mines and leaking gas pipes, is 23 times more effective at trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide.
Scientists are now carrying out trials of new diets designed to improve cows' digestion and hopefully reduce global warming. Silvia Valtorta, of the National Council of Scientific and Technical Investigations, said that by feeding cows clover and alfalfa instead of grain "you can reduce methane emissions by 25 percent".
In a separate written statement, United Nations Ban Kee Moon (who only has only 8 sentences to express himself on any given topic, and can only use exclamations) told members of the media;
“We have no time to lose! Every moment counts! We must act now! All nations give up sovereignty! One-world government must be set up! We must act collectively! The debate is over! No more talk!
This announcement is not without controversy. Cheese cutters and their union workers around the world face massive layoffs as superstitious people believe they are the cause of this flatulence crisis. Cheese consumption has plummeted along with cheesy stock prices.
But not all the news is bad for businesses.
Retooling their production facilities, wine cork manufacturers report a spike in sales of anal corks that are being pressed into service to obstruct bovine flatulence at its source.
Retooling their production facilities, wine cork manufacturers report a spike in sales of anal corks that are being pressed into service to obstruct bovine flatulence at its source.
Religious leaders are sounding off as well. At the Vatican, Pope Francis released his own urgent plea to end cow flagellants especially in the poor countries where Catholics are most numerous.
Veteran Vatican watchers did not rule out the possibility that the 77-year-old Pontiff was referring to animals in that statement. Asked why people don’t fart in church, the jovial Pope quipped, “Because then they have to sit in their pew”
Even philosophers are tooting on the topic: Wittgenstein scholar, Professor I. N. Joyit declared, “Cosmologists concede that the Big Bang was more like a Universal Fart. It’s the only theory of the universe that actually makes any scents.
Peruvian paleontologist, Jesus I. Smelie, claims that ending farting may have unforeseen and undesirable consequences. He noted that, “When dinosaurs lost the ability to fart, they soon faced ex-stinction”.
Of course, not everyone agrees that cow farts are part of God’s plan for the salvation of human souls or have dooms-day consequences. Texas cattle rancher, U. Rex Bottoms told station KOW-TV, “If God didn’t want cows to fart, He would never have given them rectums.”
Asked if he would rent his bovine wind ensemble cattle herd to same-sex wedding couples as entertainment for their receptions, Mr. Bottoms said he, “… didn’t want to stick his foot into that”. The sound of his 50,000 head of steers farting down by the river ended the interview as the wind shifted.
Predictably, college and universities around the world agree with President Obama and Secretary General Ban Kee Moon. New academic departments are springing up everywhere. Most have seek tax-payer funded research money to educate the public and politicians on ways to wipe our cow farts completely by the year 2025.
Statistics seem to back her up as evidenced by a recent article in THE ECONOMIST giving the ripe numbers of animal farting numbers.
Counting chickens
Where the world's livestock lives
THE world's average stock of chickens is almost 19 billion, or three per person, according to statistics from the UN's Food and Agriculture Organisation. Cattle are the next most populous breed of farm animal at 1.4 billion, with sheep and pigs not far behind at around 1 billion. China's vast appetite helps make it the world leader in the number of chickens, pigs and sheep, whereas beef-loving Brazil and cow-revering India have the greatest number of cattle. Expressed as livestock per person, New Zealand lives up to its reputation as the world's most productive shepherd, with 7.5 sheep for each New Zealander. It is also the second biggest cattle herdsman, with the equivalent of 2.3 cows per person, second only to Uruguay's 3.7. For chickens, Brunei rules the roost, counting 40 birds for every person.
WIND NEWS ALERT:
This just into TMP. Dr. Serenea Gascious, has been short listed for ‘Fart-Tsar’ as the first black, female Secretary of Obama’s new Flatulence Protection Agency with a starting salary of $ 298,000 a year plus benefits.
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